Moe, the 42-year-old Chimpanzee escaped from his cage last Friday at Jungle Exotics, a prison for Celebrity Chimps in San Bernadino County, California. It is believed that he is lost somewhere in the San Bernardino National Forest. Moe's official owners, St. James and LaDonna Davis are heartsick over the loss of Moe. St, James brought Moe back from Tanzania in 1967 after Moe's mother was murdered by poachers. They raised Moe like their own son, toilet training him, getting him addicted to chocolate milk and television, teaching him to eat with a knife and fork, and letting him sleep with them in their bed. Moe was even best man at their wedding. West Covina authorities didn't like the idea of a suburban Chimp and had been trying to have Moe removed for years. In 1999 Moe mauled a police officer's hand and later in the the year Moe bit off a woman's finger because he "mistook her red fingernail for licorice"--OOPS!

The Davises were forced to house Moe in an animal sanctuary. In 2005 they paid Moe a visit on his birthday with a cake. Apparently two other Chimps became jealous about the cake and attacked St. James and LaDonna. LaDonna got off easy, she only lost a thumb. St. James lost his dick and balls, a foot, most of his fingers, chunks of his ass, an eye, and his nose.

Another Cocaine Casualty.

Read.

If you are camping in the San Berardino National Forest be on the look out for Moe...and bring licorice.

While we can't really endorse the housepetification of wildlife, we admire the Davis's commitment to Moe. Most people don't even have that kind of commitment to their own children. We hope Moe is safe in the overdeveloped "wilds" of Southern California.

--Ms Sharky

technorati tags: Chimpanzees, San Bernardino, West Covina, Chimp Attack

Except where otherwise noted, this content is
licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Last week there were three "coyote incidents" in Southern California, all on children. While not nearly as fun or interesting as Shark incidents, nothing quite strikes fear in the hearts of square white Americans than the thought of feral beasts dragging their children out of their sandboxes. Well, maybe the thought of a black president is scarier to square white suburban Americans than a Coyote attack but this is not a political blog so we will leave that issue alone. Instead, let's explore the wonderful world of Coyotes!

COYOTE PARTIES!
There have been more than 100 reported attempted Coyote predations on people in Southern California since the 1970s, but this number seems to be rising every year. Half of these attempted predations were on children 10 and under. Why so many "incidents?" It is fairly simple: there are more shitty suburbs encroaching into coyote habitat. In the suburbs of San Bernardino, Los Angeles, Orange County, and San Diego suburbs are literally carved into former wilderness areas. Oftentimes, Coyotes will eat suburban pets like Dogs and Cats as they are the size and type of prey they would normally be after in the wild. The problem is, toddlers are fairly small too. Since the three Coyote parties last week involved very small children there are not so many pictures of them floating around the internet. So we have created our own pictorial we made in honor of the humble Coyote, the closest square white suburbans ever get to interacting with predators...outside of mortgage lenders, credit card companies...and um, the internet.

Pages: 1 · 2